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Coming-of-age is a Vantage column where staffers share their opinions on a specific beat. From in-depth analyses of TV series to miscellaneous musings in music (and everything in between), this monthly column is an avenue to spread and inspire thought-provoking ideas.
In this column, Vantage Magazine staffer Rome explores the experience of outgrowing the “chill girl” temperament and the subsequent transformation into the “angry girl.”
THE CHILL girl (close relative of the cool girl) does not care about whether you were late or not, does not mind if you step a line over her boundaries. The chill girl says, “It’s okay, I don’t mind,” all too many times. The chill girl is rational and mature: She does not act up if she is wronged but instead passes over it with a roll of her eyes. The chill girl may be a people pleaser, but people like her that way.
Because I was a crybaby child, I was often praised for moments when I stuffed down my emotions in an attempt to appear “mature for my age.” I started forsaking my emotions in order to appear rational, seeking approval from others. Thus, started my emergence into the chill girl.
There is a unique experience of growing up as both a woman and a minority—trying to survive the world by becoming a people pleaser. In a society that singles out and isolates women, being a people pleaser is a way to seamlessly blend in. The problem with being the chill girl is that no matter how positively others look upon you and no matter how many “sipsip points” you gather, it’s exhausting.
It’s no surprise that constantly putting on a front and having your boundaries constantly overstepped is tiring. What the chill girl does not tell you is that, at night, she worries about every interaction she has had the previous day, and she worries about what everyone thinks about her. Being the chill girl is a full-time job.
Somewhere along the line, I ran out of the energy and patience to continue my life as the chill girl. I started to make a conscious effort to value myself, even to a “delusional” extent. When I finally took the time to evaluate all of the things I had to go through just to be able to call myself the chill girl, I realized I was angry.
You would be surprised at how much anger one can accumulate after years of being a people pleaser. I was angry at those who abused my kindness, I was fed up with people clearly crossing the line. My patience grew too thin to continue being the footstool to people who did not deserve that kind of treatment. From the chill girl, I had become the angry girl.
The transformation into the angry girl may have been long-overdue, but it has done miracles to my self-esteem. When you are the chill girl, your self-image relies almost entirely on how others perceive you. Instead of tossing and turning every night, fretting over how others saw me, I started to focus more on how I saw myself.
Apart from anger, you also accumulate a lot of self-appreciation after growing out of being a people pleaser. It was almost like making up for all of the thanks I never received–I thanked myself instead.
It is much harder to blend in as the angry girl than it was as the chill girl since speaking up for ourselves has yet to become “cool.” But something I realized along the way is that it is way more fulfilling to stand out obnoxiously rather than to blend in. Being the angry girl gives me more space to truly be myself.
Although I am sure life will lead me through many more evolutions of “girl,” I have never been more content with who I am than now. As I have just entered my early 20s, taking time to establish who I am was an important step toward personal growth. By entering this new era as the angry girl, I have started to set my boundaries—and I’ve realized that being the chill girl was not okay.
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