I still can’t accept that I spent my senior year of college online.
After 14 colorful years on campus, it was a total heartbreak to find out I would be going through my last year of school digitally. I had to live through what was supposedly the apex of my youth within the four walls of my room, through my laptop screen.
Like many other people, music kept me sane and gave me a sense of familiarity throughout this pandemic. A lot of my favorite artists were forced to continue making music at home, and thankfully they did so beautifully. While I happily sing along to these tunes, I can’t help but feel sentimental—and I guess, sad—that I don’t have typical college student memories to attach to these songs.
So, here’s my attempt to do just that.
- Levitating by Dua Lipa
A month into quarantine, Dua Lipa’s “Future Nostalgia” made me miss the sounds and blurry sights of a good ol’ college party. Out of all the upbeat tracks, nothing gave me goosebumps quite like the first beats of Levitating. The song itself is pretty straightforward, with Dua singing about great times with great people. To feel like my feet are off the ground while I’m surrounded by friends and strangers is a sensation I continue to yearn for.
When Levitating comes on, I can imagine being at those org mixers with all the strangers and friends around me, singing along and spilling drinks on ourselves. Levitating would be playing in my head as I ride my trusty Angkas motorcycle home at 2 AM—with glitter in the sky and glitter in my eyes.
A lot of people claim that Levitating is their favorite from Lipa’s sophomore album, and I am proudly one of them. Hopefully, the feeling’s still the same when the day comes that I get to bust a move with my closest friends again.
- Movin. by Kiana Lede
There’s nothing quite like the college grind. I’ll often reminisce about my fingertips getting really cold as I crunch a paper in Matteo Down, or stepping out of my favorite cafe for a brief breather from my endless pile of readings. I miss doing requirements in the first floor of New Rizal until 9 PM, and practicing my oral exam delivery in front of friends at Colayco. Studying at home just doesn’t compare.
One of my quarantine discoveries—Movin. by Kiana Lede—would be the soundtrack of those earnest moments. Kiki sings about keeping things moving despite how aggravatingly difficult or repetitive it all gets, and most of my college life as a student echoes that. While I wouldn’t necessarily say I “love” studying, it’s certainly something I’ll miss having to do.
The constant cycle of learning and failing has extended past academics for me. It taught me to be passionate about what I’m learning, to accept and grow from my downfalls, and to trust the process of doing so much more. Beyond the Scott Peck readings and communication theories, being a student has taught me to just keep it moving.
- Summer Love by Carly Rae Jepsen
From my bibo freshie days with Run Away With Me—to the peak moments of 2019 signified by Now That I Found You—Miss Jepsen has been a staple of my entire college journey. Something about her music is just always so relatable, wishful, and bright all at the same time. It came to no surprise that my entire Friend Activity section on Spotify was filled with listeners to “Dedicated Side B” when it dropped in May 2020.
Among the tracks was Summer Love, a bass-heavy track that talks about the liberty in everyday experiences of romance. As a dedicated daydreamer, this would have probably been the song that plays in the background when I come across one of my many campus crushes. Everything would be in slo-mo as they walk on by, with Carly singing, “I just live for the feeling, dance to the feeling, wait for the feeling of you,” in my head.
We’ve all been there—pinning our cute classmates on Zoom and all—but nothing will compare to the sensation of seeing them pass in front of you in SecWalk. You can’t just replicate the feeling of making eye contact with them while you’re in line for food at Gonzaga. Something about those happy crushes just makes me feel young and kilig, and it’s something I’m going to miss experiencing when I have to enter the more “serious” phases of life. Perhaps Carly will still be on queue if ever I do find a summer love of my own.
- Pussycat Doll by Flo Milli
I hate to be painfully cliche, but the world really is my runway. Best believe that when you see me walking on my own through Red Brick Road, I’m actually strutting through it in my mind. The feeling of immense confidence that doing a power walk gives me is something I lived off of in the past three years of college. On days when I know my outfit is looking great—or when I achieved something I’m immensely proud of—you can count on me to pump through the campus like I own it.
Of course, every supermodel needs some background music to amplify their strut, and I’m dismayed I never got to stomp to Pussycat Doll by up and coming rapper Flo Milli. Flo Milli released her debut mixtape in July of 2020 and each track has all the mental fuel you need to conquer whatever comes your way. Pussycat Doll stood out to me even if I couldn’t necessarily relate to what Flo is rapping about. It just made me feel amazing, which was something I needed at that point of the year.
July 2020 was really bleak for me, but Pussycat Doll slapped me in the face and reminded me that I was more than capable of overcoming my anxieties. It reminded me of all those times I imagined myself strutting through the school hallways with all eyes on me. I may not be able to prance down those paths anymore, but at least I can bring with me the energy needed to take on any literal and figurative runway that life presents me.
- willow by Taylor Swift
Ultimately, college for me means having to say goodbye to my youth soon. I see it as the last chance I’ll ever get to be a “kid” before I have to face the impending responsibilities of being an actual adult. Getting robbed of an “authentic” senior year felt like I was rushed into that goodbye, when I wasn’t ready for it yet at all. The past 10 months or so have been filled with attempts to accept this reality.
There are so many experiences and feelings that I yearn to relive, and the hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I will never get to do so. I’ve gone through almost every emotion trying to embrace the truth that this is the only senior year I’ll get. I tried my best to be content and grateful that I still have the opportunity to study, but at the same time, I just feel so distraught and regretful about it all. Most days, I still can’t believe it ends like this.
It’s hard to explain the type of grief I feel, which is probably why I’ve resorted to having willow by Taylor Swift do all the talking. The lead single off “evermore,” her surprise second album of 2020, speaks of the very human act of yearning. I may not relate to it in a romantic sense, but the song manages to speak about my insatiable wanting to hold on to my youth as it slowly inches away from me. Life’s a willow that’s being forced to bend to a new wind, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to let it do so. I still want to sit by myself on a bench in Lovers’ Lane after a night class, letting the cold breeze flow. I still want to overlook Marikina at LST, enjoying seeing the sky change colors as the sun sets. I still want to have those heart-to-heart conversations with the most important people to me, sitting in a parked car facing the Gesu—but I have to accept that the wind will never blow that way anymore. It’s time to let my life bend to the unfamiliar, hoping whatever I picked up from my last years as a kid made me strong enough to not break.
In a matter of weeks, I’ll be logging out of Canvas for good. In a couple of months, I’ll be virtually handed my diploma and that’ll be it. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that one can never truly be ready to bid goodbye to something that’s been so important to them.
If these songs mean anything to me, it’s that I can always go back to being that wide-eyed, optimistic college kid when I need to. I’ll put my earphones in and face the music of whatever uncertainties life has next for me.
Emerson Enriquez is an AB Communication senior and a Human Resources staffer of The GUIDON. You can contact him at miguell.enriquez@obf.ateneo.edu. If you want to listen to his full playlist, you may find it here:
